Christine Lavin

(You’ve sworn off elevators, sweets, soda, bread, pizza, white flour, sugar and this is the result?)

Hadn’t been to the doctor in 24 months

got no complaints

no lumps no baby bumps

but it’s time for a checkup

so I make an appointment

hope I don’t need no pills

or ointment

The nurse takes my blood pressure

good! it’s not high

my ears are OK, so are my eyes

she says, “Step on the scale

let’s check your weight

then everything will be up to date”

Check my weight . . . ?

I empty my pockets

take off my shoes

take off my watch

my glasses, earrings too

I step on the scale

the numbers flip’n’flop

I hold my breath

til the numbers stop

She looks at the scale

looks at my chart

she looks at me

and says, “Bless your heart

I have very good news my dear

you’ve lost one pound in the past two years”

Two years ago I stopped eating sweets

walked seven thousand steps

a day on city streets

I stopped drinking soda

cut back on bread

said “NO” to elevators

took the stairs instead

And after all this time

I’ve lost one pound?

I don’t need this

to get around

hold me now before

I bust out in tears

this is not the news

I wanted to hear

The doctor come in and flashes a smile

it’s Joe the cardiologist — I know it’s been a while

he says, “My prodigal daughter

congratulations

this calls for a celebration

for so many patients their weight goes up

but yours went down

is this good news -- yup!”

So he listens to my heartbeat

sends me on my way

when I get in the elevator

I hear myself say

This confirms my deepest fear

I gave up pancakes

I gave up beer

gave up pizza

gave up white flour

I’m losing .0009 ounces per hour . . .

but that’s point 15 (.15) ounces per week

someday I’ll have cheekbones

not just cheek

in a month that’s .666 of an ounce

yes it’s the devil’s food

cake I renounce

When you lose one pound every two years

pretty soon you gonna disappear

take a look, this is the biggest I’ll ever be

every step I take there’s less of me

I never was good at arithmetic

but here is something I can predict

the way things are going at this rate

in the year 2052 I’m gonna look great

I’ll be a hundred years old

and I’m gonna look great

CL: vocal/guitar/harmonies

Steve Doyle: bass