Christine Lavin

(Inspired by a bad, bad funeral. Doesn’t have to be that way. Plan yours today; make it a soiree to remember.)

Oh my late friend led an exemplary life  

she was a fantastic artist, a writer, a mother

an activist and a wife

but without any warning

she toppled to the ground

now her shocked friends and family

have all gathered ‘round

But she did not leave instructions

the family did not what to do

Oh Lord Oh Lord

don’t let this happen to you

she hated shopping she hated religion

her funeral’s in a church in a mall

next door there’s a half price sale on sheets

turning into a brawl

inside the preacher once twice

three times mispronounces her name

her knuckle-headed nephew in the front pew

is playing a video game (and texting)

the choir is tone deaf

the organist sucks

if they pass around the collection plate

I’m takin’ out five bucks

this is a bad funeral

That’s what I said

This is a bad funeral

Too late she dead

So there will be no debate

Though my end is nowhere near

I’m gonna make a list of everything I want

at my funeral right here

I want an open mic

I want an open bar

I don’t want an open casket

That would be goin’ too far

but you can come as you are

there’ll be masseuses to massage away

all your aches and pains

a New York Times

Crossword puzzle station

to stimulate your brains

a dessert buffet featuring

raspberries and whipped cream

a psychic who will analyze

your latest baffling dream

a barber for the boys

a manicurist for the girls

oysters on the half shell

sporting pop Polynesian pearls

a screen playing episodes of

“Say Yes To The Dress”

a scale that’s rigged so when you weigh yourself

you are 10 pounds less

it’s gonna be a fun funeral

with Aaron Weinstein on the fiddle

gonna be a fun funeral

a jazz contra dance in the middle

After that my sommelier will pour you

a Lafite-Rothschild Bordeaux

a matchmaker at my funeral

will find you your next beau

a Jesuit will hear your confession

absolve all your sins and then

you can get back in the dessert buffet line

again and again and again

Oh - my funeral’s gonna be

such a fabulous time

the fact that I will miss it

is practically a crime

‘cause like the bridal shower

in the movie “Bridesmaids”

when my funeral is done

everybody gets a puppy

you can take more than one

so don’t leave it up to chance

for your final soiree –

do what I did

make a list of everything you want

before you pass away

It’s your funeral

tell ‘em what you want

make it fun when you’re done

It’s your funeral

tell ‘em what you want

when you’re done make it fun

it’s your funeral

CL: vocal/guitar

Steve Doyle: bass

Brian Bauers: vocals

drums/percussion: Sam Merrick

violin:  Aaron Weinstein