Christine Lavin

Attractive stupid people
appear to glide through life
watch an attractive stupid man
attract and land a stupid wife
but the problem is the kids
won't look as good as mom or dad
and they're always slightly smarter
which drives their pretty parents mad

Attractive stupid people think
talent got them where they are
sometimes it's not too good
when your good looks take you too far
to places you're not smart enough
to know you don't belong
this is the story of Franklin Pierce
this won't be a happy song . . .

Franklin Pierce was born in New Hampshire
in 1804
57 years before
the start of our Civil War
behind his back they called him "doughface"
a nickname for a Northern man
who had Southern leanings
slavery?
he was a fan

He became our 14th president
in 1852
he had no real credentials
but his looks sure pulled him through
he's considered the most handsome man
who's ever held the job
he was the first -- but not the last
Democratic presidential heart-throb

Historians tell us
he was an inoffensive bloke
his lack of backbone makes him
today look like a joke
with the Ostend Manifesto
he tried to steal Cuba from Spain
he wanted to make it a slave state. . .
but cooler heads derailed that train

He was much in favor
of the Kansas-Nebraska Act
which also was pro-slavery
set our progress back
in 1856
he did not get a second chance
Democrats nominated James Buchanan
to take them to the dance

Though he was born in New Hampshire
he rooted for the South
and more than once poor Franklin Pierce
put his foot in his moutha
that is when he wasn't drinking
and he was drinking day and night
his wife was a religious nut
who knew how to pick a fight
FRANKLIN!!!

He died of cirrhosis of the liver
in 1869
but with his bone structure
even sick he looked so fine
and for years he's held the title:
the worst president we ever had
his reign now might be ruined
all because of a hanging chad

Attactive stupid women
attractive stupid men
have led the world astray
again and again and again
as we march into the future
the thought that calms my fears
there's an attractive man and woman
in the White House
who've got brains between their ears