Sometimes Mother Reallly Does Know Best

from: Sometimes Mother Really Does Know Best

Daughter looked in mother's eyes
and pleaded, "please say yes!*
You never criticize my friends, my hair,
or how I dress
a tiny eyebrow piercing
on me would look sublime!"
the mother thought about this for a quite a long long time

then said,
"hmmm, an eyebrow piercing . . .

That's a permanent reminder
of a temporary fad
when you're old and grey my dear
you'll think back and be glad
that your mother had the foresight
to turn down your request
sometimes mother really does know best"

"Just a tiny tattoo, mother
dancing on my skin
all the other kids have one
and I want to fit in
a delicate butterfly
right here on my wrist?"
Her mother thought about it, then she said this

"hmmm, a tattoo . . .

That's a permanent reminder
of a temporary feeling
think 'Angelina & Billy Bob'
before you hit the ceiling
you think a tattoo on your teenage skin
would make you look unique
but when you're older
you'd look like a circus freak!"

Mother and the daughter
barely spoke for the next year
except for the occasional "humph" and
snotty snear ("whatEVer")
it looked like there was nothing
that could mend this sorry rift
til the daugher
overheard the mother
discuss getting a face lift

"Hmmm. . . a facelift, mother . . .

That's a permanent reminder
of a temporary fear
only the lucky ones
grow older every year
And I don't think you, like, look that bad
for a hag your age"
The mother sat there
in a smoldering rage

[OK, now here I stop. This song could go one of two ways: it could have a beautiful, wholesome ending where everyone learns healthy lessons of self-acceptance and live happy, productive lives. Or it can go to the dark side. The audience will decide which way it goes by their applause.

This is the dark side that they always vote for:]

Mother said to daughter
"OK, let's make a deal
though your words stung me,
at least I know how you feel
if you let me get my face lift
you can get that tattoo now
and yes, I'll even let you pierce your brow"

Both had their procedures done
on the same day
if only they had known
the heavy price they'd have to pay
the mother had her facelift done
by Dr. Fronkenschteen
came out looking like a combination
monkey . . . and drag queen

And the daughter's tattoo went just fine
but not that eyebrow ring
it contracted an infection . . .
too gross for me to sing
and both of them died disgusting
painful stinking deaths
and both had this to say
with their dying breaths . . .

"We're a permanent reminder
of our temporary insanity
we sacrficed our looks -- our lives
for our foolish vanity"
and at the the reading of their wills
they left one last bequest
a pillow upon which was embroidered:
"Sometimes Mother Really Does Know Best"

###

And there really is a 'wholesome' ending -- but it's not been recorded. If you want to hear it you'll have to come to a concert and DEMAND I sing it!