Artificial Means

Oh Johnny and Janie were the perfect married couple,
But not in bed.
Oh, They tried takin' drugs, how-to books, even Dr. Ruth,
But for all intents and purposes their love life was dead.

'Til one day Janie went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique
She bought a long cylindrical thing
Now Janie is smiling, Johnny is not
Every night you can hear him sing

He says "Our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means
You've grown emotionally attached to that little pink machine
Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems
'Cause our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means"

okay this is a singalong for anybody who might have problems in
the Boudoire. Don't be shy

Oh Johnny went down to the barroom
He bought one drink he bought two he bought three
Oh he moaned to the bartender the state of his married life
Bartender said "hey bud, just listen to me"
So Johnny went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique
He bought a plastic blow up doll
Now Johnny is smiling, Janie is not,
She is angry, she is jealous, she's appalled

She says "our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means
You've grown emotionally attached to that polyethelene
Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems
'Cuz our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means"

that was great singing, I could hear you

Wires (wires),
switches (switches),
batteries (batteries),
plastic (plastic),
tufts of artificial hair
who'd ever think they could replace the love (Love?)
Humans used to share (humans used to, humans used to
humans used to, humans used to)

Then one fateful day, those batteries died
At the same moment that that big doll sprung a leak (hissssssssssssss)
Johnny looked a Janie, looked at Johnny, looked at Janie and they
Both found it difficult to speak
I wish I could say they threw those contraptions away
And fell in love all over again
But Johnny taped up that hissing woman
When Janie stole the batteries from his Sony Walk-man.

Because their love is being kept alive by Artificial Means
They've grown emotionally attached to these modern sex machines
Their relationship is not as healthy as it seems
'Cuz their love is being kept alive
Love is being kept alive
Love is being kept alive
By Artificial Means