Skip to main content

CHRISTINE LAVIN Sometimes Grandmother Really Does Know Best

Daughter looked in mother's eyes

and pleaded, "please say yes!

You never criticize my friends, my hair,

or how I dress

a tiny little eyebrow piercing

on me would look sublime!"

the mother thought about this for a quite a long long time

then said,

"hmmm, an eyebrow piercing . . .

That's a permanent reminder

of a temporary fad

when you are old and grey my dear

you’ll think back and be glad

that your mother had the foresight

to turn down your request.

sometimes mother really does know best"

"Just a tiny tattoo, mother

dancing on my skin

all the other kids have one

and I want to fit in

a delicate butterfly

right here on my wrist?"

Her mother thought about it, then she said this

"hmmm, a tattoo . . .

That is a permanent reminder

of a temporary feeling

think Angelina & Billy Bob

before you hit the ceiling

you think a tattoo on your teenage skin

will make you look unique

but when you are older

you will look like a circus freak!”

Mother and the daughter

barely spoke for the next year

except for the occasional "humph" and

snotty snear ("whatEVer")

it looked like there was nothing

that could mend this sorry rift

til the daugher

overheard the mother

discuss getting a face lift

"Hmmm. . . a facelift, mother . . .

That's a permanent reminder

of a temporary fear.

only the lucky ones

grow older every year

And I don't think you, like, look that bad

for a hag your age."

The mother sat there

in a smoldering rage

[This song could go one of two ways: it could have a beautiful, wholesome ending where everyone learns healthy lessons of self-acceptance and live happy, productive lives. Or it can go to the dark side. The audience will decide which way it goes by their applause. They always choose the dark side. They always do!]

Mother said to daughter

"OK, let's make a deal

though your words stung me,

at least now I know how you feel.

if you let me get my face lift

you can get that tattoo now

and yes, I will even let you pierce your brow."

Both had their procedures done

on the same day.

if only they had known

the heavy price they'd have to pay.

the mother had her facelift done

by Dr. Fronkenschteen

and came out looking like a combination

monkey . . . and drag queen.

And the daughter's tattoo went just fine

but not that eyebrow ring.

She contracted an infection . . .

too gross for me to sing.

and both of them died disgusting

painful stinking deaths

and both had this to say

with their dying breaths . . .

"We're a permanent reminder

of our temporary insanity

we sacrficed our looks -- our lives

for our foolish vanity"

and at the the reading of their wills

they left one last bequest

a pillow upon which was embroidered:

"Sometimes Mother Really Does Know Best"

and here's the wholesome ending, just in case you think I was lying about it:

Mother and the daughter shook hands and made a vow

no facelift!

no tattoo!

no bloody punctured brow!

instead they gave their money

to Guide Dogs For The Blind

at the annual gala they met a blind father and son

and had the grandest time!

They waltzed, they cha-chaed, they merengued, and by the end of the evening both the mother and the daughter were madly in love with the blind father and son, who thought they were the two most fascinating, fetching creatures on earth.

After an old-fasioned two year courtship (ice cream socials, ballroom dancing, Broadway shows) the blind father and the son proposed to the mother and the daughter. It was a lovely double wedding, including one golden and one black Labrador retriever carrying the wedding rings pinned to white embroidered pillows nestled inside lovely Irish lace-covered frisbees.

They settled down in a hundred-year-old farmhouse where they raise golden and Black Labrador retriever puppies, train them as guide dogs, and star in their own reality TV series "Puppy Love Is Blind." Once a month the mother and daughter bake low-carb carrot cupcakes for the local firehouse, once a week give dancing lessons to the rhythmically challenged, and once every night, before they go to bed, they snuggle in front of the fireplace and sing:

We are a permanent reminder of a temporary bad day

when we couldn't see our natural beauty

and almost threw it all away

as we cuddle with our sweethearts now

they, too, will attest, "Yes!

Sometimes Mother Really Does Know Best!"


written by Christine Lavin