CHRISTINE LAVIN Sometimes Grandmother Really Does Know Best
Daughter looked in mother's eyes
and pleaded, "please say yes!
You never criticize my friends, my hair,
or how I dress
a tiny little eyebrow piercing
on me would look sublime!"
the mother thought about this for a quite a long long time
"hmmm, an eyebrow piercing . . .
That's a permanent reminder
of a temporary fad
when you are old and grey my dear
you’ll think back and be glad
that your mother had the foresight
to turn down your request.
sometimes mother really does know best"
"Just a tiny tattoo, mother
dancing on my skin
all the other kids have one
and I want to fit in
a delicate butterfly
right here on my wrist?"
Her mother thought about it, then she said this
"hmmm, a tattoo . . .
That is a permanent reminder
of a temporary feeling
think Angelina & Billy Bob
before you hit the ceiling
you think a tattoo on your teenage skin
will make you look unique
but when you are older
you will look like a circus freak!”
Mother and the daughter
barely spoke for the next year
except for the occasional "humph" and
snotty snear ("whatEVer")
it looked like there was nothing
that could mend this sorry rift
til the daugher
overheard the mother
discuss getting a face lift
"Hmmm. . . a facelift, mother . . .
That's a permanent reminder
of a temporary fear.
only the lucky ones
grow older every year
And I don't think you, like, look that bad
for a hag your age."
The mother sat there
in a smoldering rage
[This song could go one of two ways: it could have a beautiful, wholesome ending where everyone learns healthy lessons of self-acceptance and live happy, productive lives. Or it can go to the dark side. The audience will decide which way it goes by their applause. They always choose the dark side. They always do!]
Mother said to daughter
"OK, let's make a deal
though your words stung me,
at least now I know how you feel.
if you let me get my face lift
you can get that tattoo now
and yes, I will even let you pierce your brow."
Both had their procedures done
on the same day.
if only they had known
the heavy price they'd have to pay.
the mother had her facelift done
by Dr. Fronkenschteen
and came out looking like a combination
monkey . . . and drag queen.
And the daughter's tattoo went just fine
but not that eyebrow ring.
She contracted an infection . . .
too gross for me to sing.
and both of them died disgusting
painful stinking deaths
and both had this to say
with their dying breaths . . .
"We're a permanent reminder
of our temporary insanity
we sacrficed our looks -- our lives
for our foolish vanity"
and at the the reading of their wills
they left one last bequest
a pillow upon which was embroidered:
"Sometimes Mother Really Does Know Best"
and here's the wholesome ending, just in case you think I was lying about it:
Mother and the daughter shook hands and made a vow
no bloody punctured brow!
instead they gave their money
to Guide Dogs For The Blind
at the annual gala they met a blind father and son
and had the grandest time!
They waltzed, they cha-chaed, they merengued, and by the end of the evening both the mother and the daughter were madly in love with the blind father and son, who thought they were the two most fascinating, fetching creatures on earth.
After an old-fasioned two year courtship (ice cream socials, ballroom dancing, Broadway shows) the blind father and the son proposed to the mother and the daughter. It was a lovely double wedding, including one golden and one black Labrador retriever carrying the wedding rings pinned to white embroidered pillows nestled inside lovely Irish lace-covered frisbees.
They settled down in a hundred-year-old farmhouse where they raise golden and Black Labrador retriever puppies, train them as guide dogs, and star in their own reality TV series "Puppy Love Is Blind." Once a month the mother and daughter bake low-carb carrot cupcakes for the local firehouse, once a week give dancing lessons to the rhythmically challenged, and once every night, before they go to bed, they snuggle in front of the fireplace and sing:
We are a permanent reminder of a temporary bad day
when we couldn't see our natural beauty
and almost threw it all away
as we cuddle with our sweethearts now
they, too, will attest, "Yes!
Sometimes Mother Really Does Know Best!"