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by Christine Lavin

If you’re drunk you should not buy a puppy
if you’re tipsy you should not purchase a cat
when you’re high you might think a spider monkey’s a cute pet
But when you sober up you won’t be thinking that
So take this as a public service announcement
When you’re in your cups stumbling along
Despite the obvious thrills
If you’re plastered to the gills
Buying a puppy now is just plain wrong

If you’re drunk you should not get married
No matter if you straight or you’re gay
Las Vegas wedding chapels has ruined many happy couples
I’m sure many more got ruined there today
When you’re high is not a good time to photograph then twitter
Yourself in your cotton underwear
Despite the obvious thrills
If you’re plastered to the gills
Don’t even do it on a dare

Oh the list of things you shouldn’t do when drinking
Is a never ever ever ending one
But there ARE things you can do
When you’ve had more than a few
And are in need of a little fun . . .

When you’re drunk’s a good time to watch cable TV
The Home Shopping Channel is the best
They have blow-out discounts on elastic waistband pants
With a matching turtleneck and hat and vest
Order them in every color of the rainbow
fuscia red and blue and brown and white
When you’re plastered to the gills
There’s no describing the thrills
Of saving so much money in one night

When you’re drunk’s a good time for the tattoo parlor
Get a bloody painting scratched into your back
How bout an American flag
A single rose with the word “Mother”
Or a Queen of Hearts kissing a One-Eyed Jack?
Or how about a tattoo of a puppy?
On your stomach -- you can pet it every day
when you're plastered to the gills
it will magnify the thrills of
A tattoo puppy that will never run away
Or mess your carpet
A puppy who will always always STAY!

if you’re drunk you should not buy a real puppy
let that simple phrase be your guide
remember The Soprano’s?
Christopher sat on Adriana’s pooch
The pooch’s name was Cosette – Cosette died
Christopher was high when it all happened
Adriana's life became became a free-falling funk
Little did she know
She’d soon be whacked by Sylvio
The guy from Springsteen’s band
who turned out to be a skunk
Then Christopher got wacked too
That’s what can happen to you
If you buy a puppy when you’re drunk