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Spoken Word

The Ugliest Animals In The World

Ever look in the mirror
Not like what you see?
I bet it happens every now and then to you
And, yes, it happens to me

But the next time you don't like your reflection
You think you just might hurl
Thank your lucky stars you're not one of
the Ugliest Animals In The World

The Blobfish looks like the offspring of
A lump of PlayDough and Mr. Magoo
Sitting on the ocean floor
Is all it knows how to do

it has very few muscles and just hangs around
Waiting for lunch to float by
The Blobfish is homely and boring and lazy
Creepy and cranky and shy

The Blobfish's only friend is the Red Lipped Batfish
A grey pancake with a Julia Roberts pout
it staggers around on spindly fins
As it tries to move about

Just picture it:  a fish with the face of a bat
With red lips – and it can barely swim!
I don't care how bad you think you look
You don't look as bad as him

Or the Hagfish – there is no mystery
why it got such an ugly name
but it's not its ugly kisser -- there's something  else
that is it's claim to fame

In a matter of minutes it can produce
21 quarts of slime
it feeds on corpses of dead things
for Hagfish rotting whale guts is . . . sublime

And oy! the Dumbo Octopus
lives 12,000 feet below
swallows prey whole, has giant suckers on its arms
two flippity flappers that make it go

It looks like a giant balloon
like the one that took that Colorado boy for a ride!
Oh no, he was never in that balloon
all he did was hide

Hide -- that's something I would do
if I looked like a Scotoplane
Looks like a tentacled floating pink cow's udder
just thinking of it give me pain

It's nicknamed a Sea Pig
A face only a mother could love
Such scary things live deepdown under the sea
Lucky us, livin' so high above

So take another look in the mirror
Things are not that bad
You're not slimy you don't have a bat face
No reason for you to be sad

You're so much more interesting than a Blobfish
Cuter than a Sea Pig, too
Life is grander for us on land
Than for those ugly critters in the ocean blue
Who'd give anything --
Every venomous tentacled ring --
To be as fun and good looking as you

Hey!  What about me!!  I'm an Aye Aye! (photo #6).  Where's a song about me???

© 2009 Christine Lavin