The Legal Ramifications of a Crackerjack Vendor Who Works in Yankee Stadium

from Sometimes Mother Really Does Know Best

NOTE:  I was commissioned to write a new song about baseball by Lincoln Center.  Since I had been a crackerjack vendor in the Orange Bowl in Miami during the late 1970s, my idea was to find the oldest living crackerjack vendor in Yankee Stadium, interview him, write a song about his experiences, debut the song ioutdoors at Lincoln Center the summer of 2003, then have this oldest living crackerjack vendor come out and take a bow.  

The Yankee organization, however, would not allow me to pursue this, saying "You don't understand the legal ramifications of what you are asking. 'New York Yankees' is a trademark term, 'Crackerjack' is a trademark term, you can't just write about them without having our legal team go through the song line by line by line. This could take a year, and we might decide you can't sing it.  You don't understand the legal ramifications of what you are asking!!"

So I never got to meet that oldest living Crackerjack vendor, never got to write his song.
But then I came up with a completely different idea . . . a song entitled:

THE LEGAL RAMIFICATIONS OF A CRACKERJACK VENDOR WHO WORKS IN YANKEE STADIUM

His name is Joe, he sells Crackerjacks in Yankee Stadium
her name is Flo, she's gettin' kinda hungry thinks 'I'm gonna get me some!'
Oh it's been a long time since Flo ate Crackerjacks, she forgot about the free prize
she starts chowing down and does not know a plastic yoyo is hidden inside

Flo starts choking on the yoyo, the people sitting 'round her all say "Uh-oh!"
the man behind her does the Heimlich maneuver
the yoyo shoots out like a bullet from a Luger

Yoyo hits an old lady yakkin' on her cellphone paralyzes her temporarily
she drops the cellphone, falls over the rail and screams "Oh what's to become of meeeeeeeeeeeee . . . "
Oh it's not that sad, she was a criminal on the Ten Most Wanted List
She even stole the tickets to this baseball game so let's face it, she won't be missed

A Seeing-Eye dog pick up her cellphone
gives to his master (dog thought it was an old bone)
the blind guy calls a pal in Timbukto, calls his wife his bookie and his mother, too

People sittin' near the blind guy start yelling they are sick of his yakkety yak
but he don't care, he keeps on talking, tells his dog to attack
the Seeing Eye dog bites a tiny baby (don't worry, doesn't hurt it that much)
but the Mom gets mad, lunges at the dog, gives it a great big shove

The dog lands on a man eating a bowl of chop suey
he's a Japanese tourist here to cheer Matsui
the Japanese guy's allergic to dogs and cats
starts having an asthma then a heart attack

People sitting near him start yelling 'somebody get the Medics
and tell them to bring a defibrulator!'
but it broke last week in an unsuccessful attempt to revive an elderly waiter

Just then Derek Jeter hits a foul ball into this section of the stands
as luck would have it the ball comes down in the Japanese guy's hands
just for a second the stadium is hushed followed by a tremendous rush
the crowd pounces on the Japanese guy grabbin' for the ball
it jumpstarts his heart he doesn't die after all!

Meanwhile, Tommy Smothers is walking through the stands
he sees the yoyo lyin' on the stairs
he bends down to pick it up but people tell him "Don't!  A lady choked on it!"
But Tommy don't care

Tommy Smothers is doing all kinds of fancy tricks
people are clapping having a really great time
suddenly Flo stands up and screams
"Gimme back that yoyo, Tommy Smothers, it's mine!"

Flo and Tommy Smothers get into a big fight kicking and screaming with all their might
punches are thrown tempers flare, the yoyo flies up into the air
Joe the Crackerjack vendor catches the yoyo puts in his pocket, walks away
the Yankees lose that game (to the Red Sox) Joe sells the yoyo on eBay

Oh the Japanese guy takes a turn for the worse I'm so sad to report
his family wants to sue Derek Jeter and the Yankees for millions
Yankees want to settle out of court

The case drags on for more than a year, Derek Jeter drowns his sorrow in beer
Steinbrenner falls in love, and whaddya know?  
The new girl of his dreams is the yoyo woman Flo

Yoyo Ma and The Smothers Brothers play in the church
the day Flo and Steinbrenner are wed
they feast on champagne and Crackerjacks
Steinbrenner chokes on a prize and drops dead!

© Christine Lavin Music (ASCAP) administered by Bug Music

updated: 8 years ago