Good Thing He Can't Read My Mind (Note: Brand new Dude version and Dude/Dudette Duet version here)

from I DONT MAKE THIS STUFF UP . . . I JUST MAKE IT RHYME

Good Thing He Can't Read My Mind

I am at the opera; I don't like the opera,
But he loves the opera and I love him
I follow the libretto; I follow the conductor
When I follow the plot my head begins to spin
I don't understand a word, even when it's English
Everyone around me says, ooh, this is divine
I don't like the opera, but look I'm at the opera
It's a good thing he can't read my mind

How long did you say this opera was?  Six hours????
Oh . . . pinch me!

Look at me, I'm skiing when I do not like skiing,
But he loves skiing and I love him
I rent the boots and poles; I shiver in the cold
I'm charging down the mountain risking life and limb
There's no exhilaration; I'm only feeling terrified
Everyone around me's having such a great time
I do not like skiing, but look at me, I'm skiing
It's a good thing he can't read my mind
(Yes, exhilarating is just the very word I was thinking of . . .  
Scared of heights?  Oh, no, not me.)

I am not complaining; I'm just making observations
Expanding your horizons is a sign of sophistication
Now I tolerate cigars 'cause he's a smoker
I'm playing chess though I confess sometimes I long for poker

I am eating sushi when I do not like sushi,
But he loves sushi and I love him
I'm poking with a chopstick at the living, breathing fishstick
Oh, my God! I think it's trying to swim.
Some say eating sushi is like chewing on your own cheek
Or sucking down a bucketful of tentacled slime
I do not like sushi, but look I'm eating sushi
It's a good thing he can't read my mind
(Yes, this is a very interesting texture. What is it? Oh . . .)

So if you see me in the sushi bar, see me in the mezzanine,
See me on a ski slope looking scared
Hey, don't feel sorry for me; I must be in love
Why in the hell else would I be there
Before I met him life was dull; I never took any chances
Now I leap at every opportunity I find
I do not like sushi; I do not like skiing or the opera
Maybe I will in time; maybe I will in time

White water rafting?  Oh sure, I'd love to . . . let's go!
•-------------
GOOD THING SHE CAN'T READ MY MIND
               (written for the inimitable Don White -- I DARE him to sing it!)

A dude's-eye view

I am at a shopping mall
I do not like shopping malls
but she loves shopping malls
and I love her
each time she stops to look at shoes
I'm reacquainted with the blues
by the groans I hear
there are men here
who I think concur

I wanted to stay home today
to watch the Green Bay Packers play
a monumental pigskin contest
of the manly kind
instead I'm at a shopping mall
I can't stand shopping malls
it's a good thing she can't read my mind

They're open late tonight? Oh joy!
Sure I'll hold your purse while you try that on
No, I don't think it makes you look f . . .

I am at a craft fair
I do not like craft fairs
but she loves craft fairs
and I love her
there's calligraphy, paper mache, topiary
origami, quilting . . . and her favorite . . . scrapbooking!
what the hell is decoupage?
what the hell's a bath bomb?
rug hooking? now that's something I might get behind
I can't stand craft fairs
I am at a craft fair
it's a good thing she can't read my mind

Learn to make my own soap?
how did you know that's been my dream?

I am not complaining I'm just making observations
expanding your horizon is a sign of sophistication
I'm in a tai chi class every Sunday morning
though sometimes thoughts of boxing
overcome me without warning

I am at a chick flick
I do not like chick flicks
but she loves chick flicks
and I love her
Uh-oh it's a double bill
now I'm really feeling ill
it's "Beaches" followed by "The Way We Were"

now I'm in an awful mood
plus I'm eating awful food
when all I wanted was to kick back and unwind
I can't stand chick flicks
I'm gonna watch TWO chick flicks
it's a good thing she can't read my mind

Tomorrow night is "Fried Green Tomatoes" and "Terms Of Endearment"?
oh . . . pinch me . . .

So if you see me at a chick flick
see me in a craft booth
see me at a shopping mall wallowing in despair
don't feel sorry for me
I must be in love
why in the hell else would I be there?

Before I met her life was dull
I never took any chances
now I leap at every opportunity I find
I do not like chick flicks
I don't like craft fairs can't stand shopping
but maybe I will in time
maybe I will in time
join your book club? Oh sure, I'd love to . . .

•--------------
GOOD THING HE/SHE CAN'T READ MY MIND
(duet for man and woman)
by Christine Lavin

MAN:
I am at a shopping mall
I do not like shopping malls
but she loves shopping malls
and I love her
each time she stops to look at shoes
I'm reacquainted with the blues
by the groans I hear
there are men here
who I think concur

I wanted to stay home today
to watch the Greenbay Packers play
a monumental pigskin contest
of the manly kind
instead I'm at a shopping mall
I can't stand shopping malls
it's a good thing she can't read my mind

They're open late tonight?  Oh joy!
Sure I'll hold your purse while you try that on
No, I don't think it makes you look f . . .

WOMAN:

Look at me I'm skiing when I do not like skiiing
but he loves skiing and I love him
I rent the boots and poles
I shiver in the cold
I'm charging down the mountain risking life and limb
There is no exhilaration
I am feeling terrified
while everyone around me's having such a great time

I do not like skiing
Look at me I'm skiing
it's a good thing he can't read my mind

HE:  Isn't this exhilarating?

SHE: Yes [terrified] -- just the word I was thinking

HE:  Look at these magnificent mountains!

SHE:  [whimpers]:  Oh . . . oh . . .


WOMAN: I am not complaining I'm just making observations
MAN:  expanding your horizons is a sign of sophistication
WOMAN: now I tolerate cigars 'cause he's a smoker
MAN:  I'm playing chess though I confess  sometimes I long for poker

I am at a chick flick
I do not like chick flicks
but she loves chick flicks
and I love her
Uh-oh it's a double bill
now I'm really feeling ill
it's "Beaches" followed by "The Way We Were"

I am in an awful mood
plus I'm eating crappy food
when all I wanted was to just kick back and unwind
I can't stand chick flicks
I'm gonna watch TWO chick flicks
it's a good thing she can't read my mind

SHE:  Tomorrow night it's another double-header.

HE:  A double-header? Honey! You're a doll!

SHE:  Yes! 'Terms of Endearment" and "Fried Green Tomatoes"

HE:   That's a dream come true . . .

KEY CHANGE!

WOMAN:
I am eating sushi
I do not like sushi
but he loves sushi
and I love him
I'm poking with a chopstick
at a living breathing fishstick
oh my God! I think it's starting to swim

Some say eating sushi
is like chewing on your own cheek
or sucking down a bucketful
of tentacled slime
I do not like sushi
look!  I'm eating sushi!
it's a good thing he can't read my mind

HE:  Mmmm, fascinating texture, isn't it? . . .

SHE:  [to audience] Like the suction cup from the bottom of bathtub mat . . .

MAN: So if you see me at a shopping mall
WOMAN: see me at the sushi bar
MAN: see me at a chick flick wallowing in despair
WOMAN:  don't feel sorry for me
MAN: I must be in love
TOGETHER why in the hell else would we be there?

MAN: Before I met her life was dull
WOMAN:  I never took any chances
TOGETHER:  now we leap at every opportunity we find
WOMAN: I don't like skiing don't like sushi
MAN:  don't like chick flicks don't like shopping
TOGETHER: but maybe we will in time . . . maybe we will in time

       THESE TWO LINES OVERLAP, BUT END TOGETHER:

MAN: Join your book club?            Oh sure, I'd love to . . . let's go!
WOMAN:                  White water rafting?            Sure . . .  let's go!
###

NOTE:  the "let's go!" can be either with great enthusiasm or great trepidation. Singers' choice.


© Christine Lavin CL2 (ASCAP)

updated: 8 years ago