Getting In Touch With My Inner Bitch

from Getting In Touch With My Inner Bitch

Getting In Touch With My Inner Bitch
Words and Music by Christine Lavin
Recorded live at the Caffe Lena in Saratoga Springs NY
on August 20 1999 by Bob Noble of Hill & Valley Studio

Everybody thinks I'm a nice girl
And that's true
Except for one little hitch
When I'm not being a nice girl
I'm Getting In Touch With My Inner Bitch

Some people have an inner child
Some people hear an inner voice
Some people have inner calm
Good for them!
But me I've got no choice
Some people have an inner cop
Some people hear an inner clown
But I've got me an Inner Bitch
And it's hard to keep that Inner Bitch down!

I'll give you an example of My Inner Bitch, here we go:

One day I'm walking around in my neighborhood and a disheveled looking
woman comes up to me and she's wearing a sign that says, "Please help
me, I am so hungry!" so I dig deep into my pocket and I give her a
quarter and I say, "Here you go, good luck to you." And she says, "Oh
thanks a lot and God bless!" But as I walk away, I say to myself, I
mean My Inner Bitch says to myself, "I don't think she's going to use
that quarter to buy food I think she's going to use that quarter to buy
booze." And her Inner Bitch looks at me and says, "25 cents, thanks a
lot you cheap slut!" But we look back at each other and we smile,
recognizing the subtle communication our two Inner Bitches have had and
it feels good!

Some people have an inner child
Some people hear an inner voice
Some people have inner peace
Well me I've got no choice
Some people have an inner cop
Some people hear an inner clown
But I've got me an Inner Bitch
And it's hard to keep that Inner Bitch down!

Ok, here's another example:

I'm standing in line at the bank because I have to cash a check.

Finally I'm at the head of the line and one of the two working tellers
that day decides she needs to take a cigarette break so she looks at
all of us standing in line and she smiles as she walks outside and
lights herself a Virginia Slim. She's having an Inner Bitch moment. My
Inner Bitch salutes her but I'm mad because I'm still in line. Finally
the other working teller shouts that magic word "Next!" and I slip my
$50 check under the bullet proof Plexiglas barrier she looks at it and
asks me for identification "C'mon," I said, "I've had an account her
since 1976 just check my name, it's on file." So she goes and checks my
signature and she tells me it doesn't match the one that's on file I
said, "C'mon!  It's only $50, I have to get my dry cleaning" and she
says, "Oh? well maybe the dry cleaner will cash your check, but I
won't!" And I realize I've been witness to two Inner Bitch moments
in the same bank on the same day. What are the odds of that happening?
So I get an idea. I say call the telephone number that's on file she
does and she hears a recording of my voice telling the caller try my
cell phone. "Call my cell phone," I tell her, she does and the cell
phone clipped to my exercise shorts doesn't ring because the
bank's walls are too thick. Instead my voice mail comes on and the bank
teller rolls her eyes and says, "Oh, I'm supposed to be impressed, you
have two voice mail accounts on two different telephones. I don't
think so!" And she slips that $50 check back under the bullet
proof, Plexiglas barrier. She thinks she has won. Her Inner Bitch
starts dancing! But I find the bank manager and I have her dial my
number, she listens and then she marches me right back to the bank
teller and commands her to cash that check! The bank teller's Inner
Bitch stops dancing, My Inner Bitch does the mambo. And the bank
manager's Inner Bitch cha cha's out to the sidewalk and cuts that
Virginia Slim cigarette break short! Ha!

Some people have an inner child
Some people hear an inner voice
Some people have inner peace
Good for them!
But me I've got no choice
Some people have an inner cop
Some people hear an inner clown
Well I've got me an Inner Bitch
And it's hard to keep that Inner Bitch down!

All right you're not convinced? This will convince you:

I'm on hold with the airlines. Sixteen times I've heard how important
my phone call is to them. I'm trying to track down lost luggage... from
a flight that was 5 hours late... due to mechanical problems. What? Oh
I know what you're thinking... you're thinking this is just one travel
cliche piled on top of another and you don't want to hear this song
Well... aren't we the songwriter critic! You know I could say something
about that outfit you're wearing. Then you could say something about my
hair. And then I could say something about this criminal element you
seem to be dating... You've been married for 21 years to that criminal
element? You poor thing! Then you could say to me, well how come you're
not married, I'm married! And, oh, but telling you I wouldn't advise
you to get into this dialogue with me right now, because I'm telling
you, My Inner Bitch can kick your Inner Bitch's butt!

Oh, I know there's a lot of nice girls here tonight
But beware 'cuz deep inside
Or just below the surface
An Inner Bitch might hide
And if you provoke her
You had best stand back
Oh, you'll never be the same
Once you've been maimed
In an Inner Bitch attack!

Some people have an inner child
Some people have an inner voice
Some people have inner strength
Good for them!
But me I've got no choice
Some people have an inner queen
Who's wearing an inner crown
But I've got me an Inner Bitch
And it's hard to keep that... Inner Bitch... down!

updated: 10 years ago